It's been a while and I doubt anyone is still on xanga anymore but, this is my place to rant.

I had so many plans for this summer but they ALL fell through. So now, here I am, having completed nothing and it's almost August. The only interesting thing I've done is tae kwon do, but it's only 30 minutes twice a week...and i'm the only white belt out of a class of mostly 10 year old black belts who could all kick my ass -.-

and lately, i've begun bursting out in tears, for no reason at all. I'm just so sad. I thought it was horrible before with the drama of being in high school but now I have a real problem. As I sit at home, watching tv on my fat ass, everywhere i see hetero couples so happy, with children and they're all smiling. I realize that I may never have that. I may never be able to have a family. I may never be able to get married with all these homophobes running the country. I may never fall in love and be able to share that love openly without some resistance, and the constant burden of keeping such a large secret from my family, whom i've come to love so much more these days, is really shit. The only family members who know that I'm gay are two of my cousins, one of whom is so far away from me on the family tree, and the other being a 20 something year old who still doesn't really get that it's not a phase. Both actually don't get it that it's a serious issue and that it's not just some stupid phase. I realized this when I was in middle school, I came out to my friends when I started high school, and even now, I constantly have idiots bombarding me with questions about how lesbians have sex and if they can watch.

it sickens me.

Plus, I basically fucking grew up in the most diverse city in the world in the most fucking diverse country in the world, and I still face opposition on a daily basis. I blame religion.

In my opinion, the bible is really just the most troublesome book in the world, causing arguments (ie. war), confusing good people, and creating so much more hate than the love the bible itself promotes.

Maybe that's why i'm crying at random times of the day. Maybe I've had a taste of real life. Maybe I've had a large fucking dose of reality.

Currently Listening In Orbit By September Cry For You see related

Gosh I wish I could take days off without my teachers taking off points from my grades...grr...stupid

And yes, this is going to be a short, no one understand me rant -.-

Although I have so many friends, there are only a few that I really do like and care for. There are even some friends that I hang out with mostly every single day, yet I either hate them, am very annoyed by them, or am just left with a bad mood after talking with them despite w/e we talked about.

I really just need a vacation right now, I'm so tired, I'm not getting any sleep these days, and I'm about to cry, there's so much to do. I know mostly everyone is going through a lot too but, I'm just too weak and I give up easily. I really would also like some alone time...yea I'm weird like that. Last entry was like, I NEED MROE ATTENION, now I just don't care about attention because some of the attention I'm getting is just so negative and degrading towards me (in a way that's kind of obvious because she's trying too hard to incorporate it into the conversation). I think I'll eat lunch at a different table for a while...Gosh, just let me have some alone time. I want to just curl up in my bed and read some books I've been wanting to read and perhaps borrow a movie or two to watch. But mostly, I just want to sleep. Maybe just, let me take one day off, let me catch up on all the work I have to do, and let me SLEEP. But noo, stupid teachers give tests right before finals (who the fuck does that?!) and some teachers like to take off 5 points on ur average for everyday you don't go to their class.

Sometimes on the subway, I doze off and start like dreaming about running off somewhere on my own, living off the land or friendly locals of some place where I don't need a fancy education to just live a comfortable life. I just want to live, I don't care about getting a bunch of money. I just want enough to feed me and house me. But I DO need money if I want to keep love aroudn me because for some reason, a person's worth (not only in terms of money) is measured by material possessions.

Gosh, I should go work on my hw now...just kill me

God I have to change my xanga song...it's so eerie and depressing -.-

So, I felt extra moody today and decided to put up yet another angsty teenage rant. Cept it's more of a whiney, complainy rant rather than one of a more...bearable tone. I don't even know if that made sense...hm.

Well, recently, I've realized that people can't understand me, literally. I think I'm starting to mumble a lot, stutter, and w/e because well, I just don't really give a shit anymore and I'm tired and stressed out about everything around me. Junior year sucks. Plus, I've been getting this consistant, nagging headache for the past few weeks or so and it's really not helping me. God. Oh and a plus, I've lost all real connection with my friends. First those from middle school and before that, gosh, I've been completely shut out of their lives...especially when a certain someone doesn't invite me to their huge sweet 16...gosh I hope they don't use xanga anymore cause it'd be a really awkward conversation starter...

I really don't want to say that all my friends have deserted me because well, physically, they're all there...there for me to talk to...there for me to annoy. Except, that's not really that great of a thing because, ok, it's better than having no one but, it just sucks that no one notices how really depressed I am. I may smile and laugh if you tell me to because well I laugh at everything, even when I'm scared. I smile and hold back giggles when my parents yell at me which makes them yell even louder...I have no idea why I do that, perhaps some sort of defense mechanism? But really, I even tried to see if anyone notices if I just left without saying anything. No one calls my cellphone, ims me, talks to me the day after to see if I was okay and where I disappeared that day. No one cares, they may say they do, but really they must be just really tired of my stupid attempts at attention. Well okay, I do like attention, I NEED attention, just to make myself feel like I'm actually wanted. But I guess that's why I'm not getting any attention, because no one wants me around. I think it's quite obvious too sometimes that people don't like me around, but I'm too stupid to realize until after when I relook what I did that day about those weird looks between people when I walked up to them.

Or am I just being paranoid?

I wish I were. It'd make it all so much easier. But even my best friends...or those who I thought were my best friends, are only shadows of the friends I had before. Mere shells of what I remembered and perhaps memories of them that I just amplified and made them seem so much less significant now. That made no sense but I resolved halfway through this rant that I wouldn't change anything I have written down now. I mean not to hurt anyone's feelings, offend them, blah, because I know it's all my fault for this stuff happening. I'm boring, annoying, way too curious. Sometimes I just want to off myself and make everyone's day a bit better. I would but...I'm too much of a coward to do anything. I mean sure, people would be sad...at least I think they would. But eventually, just like most other people's deaths, it'd be forgotten over time. Maybe not for my parents but, for everyone else, yea. Gosh I've never done anything great, really, no one would even mind in the long run. Sometimes I think of killing myself just to spite my parents, just to make a statement on how much they've been pushing me about SATs and college, my future, grades, career, all those things I don't want to think about, especially during vacation. From day 1 of my winter break, it's been a continuous banter of being a procrastinator and how I should do my homework now. Well duh, I know I have to do all that stuff and when you ask me why I put off my work, and I say I don't know, that shouldn't be a signal to start yelling about how I never know what I want and that's why I'll always be a failure. Fuck...help me. Just drag me out of this hell that I know and live, just devour me with eternal flames of pain and drag me down under the earth. End it, silence me, silence the words in my mind, the voices around me telling me all that I try to put out of my head. With a slight twist of my neck, a slight crick crack, my vision would go ploof and I'd be surrounded in darkness.

Finally dead. Finally at peace.

boo, i'm sick...again...right on time for school, whoop de doo T_T

anyway, i decided that today i'm going to record my random thoughts once again, this time about why i don't have a long lasting crush on a celebrity. Today i was watching a match between maria sharapova and some other girl and i was like: wow, maria's pretty hot...

now this obsession with her lasted about 30 minutes when i was watching a video of a commercial with her in it where they sing "i feel pretty" lol and i was like wow she towers over everyone in the commercial...-looks up her height- HOLY SHIT SHE'S 6'2"...maybe THAT'S why she's so good at tennis lol.

anyway, point is that i always find something that puts me off...like since she's so tall, it's like..wow...yea i dunno why i just don't think people that tall, pretty, and skinny are human -.- i.e. models lol

but yea, height isn't like the main thing i dislike...meh. like even if i have a crush on someone in school, i get over them once i get to know them better and find out all the bad things about them. weird. i really hope that if i ever DO get a girlfriend, i won't be so critical of her and get put off by the little bad things. but eh, i doubt i'll ever get the chance to find out -.-

lol yea...randomness~

it's one of those days again...just a random feeling of crappiness...

see, this happens less often during vacations because i don't have any real contact with people who make me sad

but  it still happens...

i would rant a whole page worth but i'm just too drained of energy right now

maybe if i feel the same when i wake up, i'll rant a bit

oh and did i mention i went over my phone limit by 360 minutes? woot, there goes next week's shopping trip